Uterus (or absence there of)

My mother had a hysterectomy yesterday. I don't really know what to say about it, only that it happened. I came to be in that uterus and now it's no more. It makes me wonder who else may grow in mine. Who will be the sweet, new life that I push from my womb and cradle in my arms. I'm not pregnant. I'm just wondering. Claire is napping and I'm exhausted and already I'm contemplating more babies. The drive to procreate is weird. It's powerful and not easy to ignore. The reality of it is very difficult. My baby is responsibility and work and tears. But also laughter and goofiness and slobbery kisses. Why would you want to deny yourself that even with all the work? I realize that not everyone has the desire for children but I do. Claire made me a woman. I was only a girl before her. But a girl cannot raise another girl. I had to become a mother.

A Cool, Wet Washcloth

The day before my daughter was born was a Monday. It was hot, June and I was hideously pregnant. My belly protruded like a watermelon from my abdomen and my ankles...were no longer ankles. They were just extensions of my calves. I felt anxious. I felt what I thought were contractions but I wasn't sure if they were real or not. If they meant that the baby would be coming soon or if they were only false alarms. I was trying not to get excited. Kyle stayed home with me. We went out to lunch, we walked around Target. I bought a CD but I can't remember what it was. I contracted all day. We fell asleep at midnight. At 3 am, contractions woke me up. I went downstairs, put on Friends and tried to decide if these ones were real. I decided that they must be. I decided that we were having our baby. I woke Kyle at 4:30am. He went and bought me breakfast tacos and called our midwife. She said to come in at 7 and she would check me. The ride to the birth center was uncomfortable. I fidgeted and listened to soothing music (Yael Naim - New Soul...that was the CD I bought.) We arrived lugging in all our bags, only to be told (after the examination) that I was only 2 cm dilated but 80% effaced. We went home. The contractions were getting stronger. I got into the bathtub. My memory starts to get fuzzy at this point. I don't know how long I was in the bathtub but I remember that it hurt and it was difficult to get back out. I went into our bedroom and Kyle set up the laptop for me so that I could watch Friends (Season 8...when Rachel is pregnant) and leaned over the side of our bed, rocking my hips. I threw up. Kyle called the midwife again and she said to come back to the center at 11. I think that the point that I threw up is when I really went into active labor. The second car ride was worse. I think I kept my sense of humor...I can't be sure. But I writhed around with each contraction. Just wanted to get out, to stand up, to quit moving. I was 5 cm now so they said I could stay. We placed our things in the birthing room. All I remember of this time was being in pain. Only standing, leaning, rocking my hips, moaning loudly, Kyle's hand pressed against the small of my back. They wanted me to eat, to drink. I tried but I was not very interested. At one point Kyle left to get something to eat. He checked with me. "Will you be alright?" "Of course, honey. Hurry back though." I sat on the birthing ball and watched Friends. One of my midwives sat with me. I remember laughing between contractions. Once Kyle returned she suggested that I lay down and try to rest. My contractions had slowed. I was scared to lie down, to sleep, to lose control. But I did and fell asleep instantly. 10 minutes later, I jumped from the bed with a very strong contraction. This is when I freaked out. I started to cry, "I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. Go tell them I can't!" It was short lived. My midwife came in to check my progress. I was 8 cm and 90% effaced. My bag of water was bulging with each contraction. She started to fill the birthing tub and Kyle called everyone to tell them the baby would be born soon. While he was out of the room, I leaned over the side of the tub as it was being filled. This contraction broke my water and it came flooding out of me, splashing all over the floor beneath me. I looked up, eyes wide at my midwife. She laughed, "That's why we have tile floors." This part is very VERY foggy. I was in transition now. The most painful part of labor but also the shortest. I got into the tub. At some point they told Kyle to get in as well, to support me. I cried out with each contraction. I felt the baby moving through the birth canal. My midwife sat at the edge of the tub. I told her that it hurt and she replied, "Just breathe, keep your voice low." My first instinct was to shriek but I mimicked her low throaty sounds with each contractions. I said, "I feel push-y." They told me to get on my knees in the tub and I began to push. They gave Kyle a mirror so that he could see the baby's head. He kept exclaiming, "She has so much hair!" I didn't want to see. I couldn't open my eyes. I was working. My midwife put a cool, wet washcloth to my forehead and it was literally, the best feeling I've ever experienced. I hadn't realized how hot I was. My pushes were not being effective enough. I sat back down in the tub, leaning on Kyle. Pushing with all my might. I felt the baby wiggling, trying to adjust herself, to make her way into the world. We were both struggling a bit. Her head finally emerged. I heard my midwife say, "6:57." One more contraction and she was born. (6:59pm) I don't think I realized that she was out, that I was done until my midwife said, "Grab your baby." I finally opened my eyes and looked down. I saw her face, big wide eyes and a head full of dark hair, floating under the water like a mermaid. I put my hands under her arms and lifted her out of the water, onto my belly. She was wet, wrinkled and beautiful. She just stared. Her eyes were bright, blue, beautiful. They searched the room, taking in the world. My midwives laid towels onto her back and scooped warm water onto her. We made sure that she was a girl. I couldn't believe it was real. I was exhausted. I couldn't feel anything yet. I just stared at her. My midwife called me her Mommy and only then did I cry. "I'm her Mommy!" I was awestruck. I still am. This beautiful creature grew inside my belly. She chose me to be her Mommy.

Adrift

Weary. My head is foggy. I spent most of the day crying. I'm the mother of this beautiful baby girl. She's happy, full of life, full of joy. I'm starting to drown and I can't let her know. I miss my husband. He works all day and three nights a week (in a row) he goes to school. We don't see him. The baby doesn't see him. And I miss him. I worry so much that the next two years we will grow apart. He'll be at school, at work. Learning, living, making friends. And I'll be here at home, raising our baby. Becoming more a mother and less the girl he married. What will happen to us? My brain is a mess. I need help. I need help to balance it. I waited too long to ask for help and now I'm desperate. But I must wait. How long will it take? How long can I hold on by myself. Fumbling inside my own head, my own body. Aimless. All alone. My baby shines. When she's awake, when she's in my arms, she lights me up. I'm her mother and not the mess I usually am. Kyle is my touch stone. He's not here and I'm adrift without him.